You sit and observe the beautiful girl in the room. She is perfect in your eyes.
She has amazing shoes on, a great outfit, her hair is full and luscious, and you always wished for her kind of hair.
She has a very beautiful face, which is lit up by her perfect teeth and smile.
You adore her body and physique, and you say to yourself “she is lucky, she probably eats what she wants and is blessed with good genes”.
You begin to compare yourself to her, and look down and start judging yourself. Your confidence just fell through the floor, wishing you had picked out nicer clothes before you left home, even though you look great.
You put your drink down, excuse yourself and head to the ladies bathroom to compose yourself. You get your lip gloss, eyeliner, and mascara out, and stare at your reflection of the girl in the mirror.
How many times have us girls done this? Compared yourself to others by how they look, how their presence feels, what they are wearing and who their friends are. I am sure it is no different for men who feel the same way, and compare to other men in the room, or situations.
The minute we see someone who seemingly has their “shit together”, we feel bad about ourselves, magnify our flaws, and get frustrated where we are in our journey.
You may actually have all of the good traits of the “beautiful girl” in the above scenario, but we rarely see our own golden light and attributes.
What we don’t see when looking at others is their pain. The hardships endured, that they still may be enduring, and like most of us, carry it in silence.
Many beautiful girls, like most girls in population, have low self-esteem levels. Many of them sexually abused or assaulted in their younger years. Trauma being carried with them, that make-up and beautiful clothes only hide.
Toxic relationships that these girls keep getting involved in, because they see themselves as toxic on a deeper level. This isn’t always a belief they know they have, as it is on a sub-conscious level.
Looks don’t mean confidence.
Smiles don’t reflect happiness.
Great outfits and perfect make up hide emotional and physical scars.
Laughter masks the brokenness inside.
Flirting because dad didn’t teach you how to attract the right kind of love.
Crying yourself to sleep because you were told not to speak up when an older man touched you inappropriately.
Sound familiar? It was for me.
I have been toxic. I hated myself to the very core. I only respected myself as much as those cheating, lying boyfriends treated me
They only treated me a certain way because I allowed it…A difficult truth I needed to accept.
Drinking to forget my pain, even though I disliked alcohol and the way it made me feel.
Sleeping with men I didn’t like, because I wanted someone’s arms around me to make me feel loved, even if it was only for a night, and the sex rubbish.
Training myself into the ground until my body broke, because I needed to punish myself.
Seeing everyone else’s needs were met before mine, because they mattered and they were better than me.
Sabotaging good things and opportunities in my life because I didn’t deserve them.
That was the old me. Every point was exactly how I felt about myself. A broken girl who covered it so well, that she was able to be the motivation and inspiration for others because of the persona she gave.
We all have pain, trauma and past events that affect us to this day, whether we are aware of it or not. Your childhood and what you observed growing up, is what you base your beliefs on, how you carry out your daily life, and how your relationships evolve.
It is easy to sit and judge others by their looks and social status, but little do we know their story. Sometimes the very people you envy, are the very parts of yourself you need to heal.
One can only treat you the way you allow them to. People love pushing boundaries, and if you have none, then it might be time to set some up and avoid disappointments and heartbreak.
It is key for me to share some of my past and how I was, to help you in your journey of healing and change. To make you believe in yourself, that no matter how deep those wounds, they can be healed, they don’t have to dictate your life forever, and that they don’t reflect who you truly are.
For most of my career as an athlete I ran. I ran from myself, I ran from my emotions, I ran from those who loved me the most, and I ran myself into self-destruction.
I overcame my pain and my fears because I wanted to be a better me. I wanted to be happy, and I didn’t want this darkness that was plaguing me and destroying my life. Pain that almost cost me my life when I was 15, sad and wanting to end it with a box of panadol.
It takes courage, patience and a whole lot of forgiveness to overcome your demons and be the “beautiful girl” in the room with no other side of you to hide.
If you have been abused, assaulted, tormented and/or neglected, realise that your healed pain will someday be used to help someone else overcome theirs
Those with the deepest wounds always make the best healers and teachers.